Diagnosis... Whatever!!

Sooooo....

After just over a year of seeing a consultant for my "chronic pins and needles" today I was finally given a diagnosis... One that I had googled months ago!! Great!! Thanks!! Could of done that myself...

The symptoms started on my return from India and I immediately thought DVT *panic, panic, panic* went to the surgery and was given the all clear, but referred to a "specialist" who turned out not to be so special after all....

I googled my symptoms and scary things like; brain tumour, multiple sclerosis, HIV and the like came up *cue hyperventilation, no paper bags in sight* but upon further investigation *once I'd come round from the concussion* I realised I displayed none of the other symptoms *phew*!! So I whittled them down to; a vitamin b deficiency and parasthesia *easily treatable and manageable* this was back in May/June 2009.

Since then I have had the following tests; 2 Ultrasound scans *no babies in sight, phew*, MRI scan, chest x-ray, electrode test (this basically consisted of me being electrocuted repeatedly) nerve test (me being pricked with pins and my limbs being banged with a mallet), copious blood tests (I have literally given gallons of blood there could easily be clone walking around). And I have spent hour upon hour at the hospital and what seems like hundreds of pounds in ticket machines for a diagnosis I discovered months ago!!! Hoo-frickin-ray!!

I have been prescribed pills for depression, which somehow seem inappropriate as I'm actually not depressed or even remotely unhappy!!! I was assured they would alleviate my symptoms, at the risk of side effects I'm sure, but this wasn't even mentioned... I think I'll just go and get some accupuncture thanks!!

I was doing so well :-(

Soooo....

Last week was interesting… I approached it with my new found respect for sweet things and with the intention of no longer over indulging and behaving like a crazed addict. And I was doing so well.... Until Friday. Let me give you a run down of the week...

Sunday - So Sunday was the first day. The reunion. The day that really should have been the blow out, where I went crazy and overindulged until I felt sick… but I didn’t. I fought the urge and I won. I received 15 mini rose and salted caramel flavoured cupcakes for Valentine’s Day from my absolute favourite bakery Crumbs and Doilies (so much better than Hummingbird) and ate only 6 (which probably constituted 2 full cupcakes). I did have my glorious, glorious Victoria sponge, but in terms of ‘blowing out’ I feel I was very restrained and adult about it.


Monday – I ate the remainder of my mini cupcakes. I went to dinner with friends and didn’t have dessert… Other then the past 3 weeks this is a first for me. I have even been known to have dessert before the main course or in place of the main course after a starter if I’m not feeling particularly hungry.

Tuesday - 1st day back in the office, breakfast was yoghurt and a granola bar, the people in Starbucks remain confused as to my neglect I’m sure they think their constant chitchat has forced me over to the dark side that is Café Nero. I ate a lot of fruit throughout the day and drank copious amounts of water, even resorting to eating a whole pack of softmints, not really sure why, but at the time it was satisfactory and of course there’s never anything wrong with minty fresh breath.
Wednesday – Back in the office, same boring breakfast with the addition of a smoothie which was quite nice, but still no pastries or donuts, it’s actually harder to avoid them now that I can have them, but in my quest to be somewhat normal I am avoiding falling back into old habits for as long as I possibly can… I had a Gu hot chocolate soufflé when I got home, which was very delicious, but not as satisfying as I expected it to be ☹

Thursday – My last day in the office for the week, croissant for breakfast… I can feel myself slipping, but it’s only a small slip. The orange and apple I bring in my bag make it back home with me as I have McD’s and a Banoffee pie from Eat – oh good gosh it was amazing!! I think I have lost the taste for chocolate, I have no desire to buy it when in shops and actually do not miss it that much…
Friday - The day it all went wrong!! Started the day with only a cup of tea in order to run mini-me to nursery and come back home to work… But realised when I was out I had errands to run, which took me past the bakery and the cake stall; the devil was out in full force!!! Decided I could treat myself as I’d been so good, and bought a pecan pie from the bakery, but then had to walk past the cake stall where they had almond tarts, which I thought I’d get and save til Saturday, but then the stupid man serving asked if I ‘wanted anything else’ as if he couldn’t see me drooling in the direction of the cupcakes… So I had a cupcake too and figured I’d eat it on Sunday. But of course I went home and ate all of them!! How very ridiculous and uncontrolled was that!! Total friggin relapse!!

So I have set new parameters to my new, behaving like a normal person in regard to dessertness and will only eat dessert when I go out to dinner (I guarantee I’ll find a way to eat out every night of the week) and at the weekend (which will probably constitute breakfast, lunch and dinner).
For lent I am giving up all sweets, except mints and bread... So far this week i’ve been the picture of perfect restraint and normalness… But it is only Monday…

The first day of the rest of my life....

So it's over... And I am successful... And today I plan to go to one of my most favouritest places, to have a slice of my most favouritest, fresh cream and strawberry, Victoria sponge cakes. It will be the best Valentine's Day ever, as I know I will not be disappointed.

A few people have asked what the point will have been if I just go back to how I was before and they have a point... The 21 days was a "test" to prove I could go without, an attempt to break the cycle and bad habit I had eaten myself into. So now that I know it is not necessary (not sure why I thought it was), I shan't be going back to being that girl that eats donuts for breakfast; that girl that'll eat jelly babies while boiling the kettle for a cup of tea in the morning; that girl who'd eat both the Gu hot chocolate soufflé’s with raspberries and half a tub of Haagen Dazs ice cream as a midnight snack; that girl who's handbag always had sweets, biscuits, chocolate and even on occasion donuts and muffins in the bottom instead of loose change. In hindsight, and over the past 3 weeks I realise I was being totally, ridiculously, beyond excessive, and although it wasn't a visible issue, I was literally a walking, talking sugar cube waiting for my dentures to be made.



I understood that I had to change, so rather then talking about it and tiptoeing around it, I grabbed the Bull by both its horns. I rode its sugar coated ass round the bullring holding on for dear life… I slipped, tripped and stumbled and boy did I hurt my ass, but I can hold my head up high and say, hand on heart I didn't fall off. There were times when I was alone, where I was tempted, but in the end I’d only be lying to myself, I was doing this for me and nobody else, so cheating made no sense…. Mini-me's cupcake from the nursery cake sale for Haiti taunted me from my handbag with it’s delicious ‘baked by children’ smell and I thought "if I eat this who'll ever know?" and in the morning while making my cup of tea the jelly babies would be looking at me with puppy dog eyes begging me to stop neglecting them and I thought “one won’t hurt and they can’t tell anyone” but I didn’t concede.

I didn't remove temptation from in front of me and I tried not to drool openly while others indulged in my most favourite guilty pleasure. There were the considerate friends who didn't want to eat sweet things in front of me, but I urged them go ahead; strengthening my willpower would only benefit me in the long run and avoiding sweet things for 21 days would have been unrealistic. Then there were the ‘friends’ who openly taunted me, one even went so far as to order me a Tiramisu in a restaurant and put it on the table in front of me. The joke was on him however, when he had to eat it, as well as the dessert he had ordered for himself when I didn’t succumb, he was very full and shamefacedly defeated...



So where do we (by we I mean me and ‘him’ (by ‘him’ I mean dessert style sweet things)) go from here?? I will admit that at exactly 12.35am this morning (after convincing myself I wouldn't do it) I was frantically warming a Gu hot chocolate soufflé (only 1), which I ate with a moderate amount of ice cream… It was like being embraced by a long distance lover and realising how much you’d missed them, welling up with sheer joy and being overwhelmed with emotion, while being ridiculously happy and wanting to stay in the embrace forever. It was emotional…

But absence makes the heart grow fonder and I am fonder, I have been lost and inconsolable for the past 3 weeks and I have learnt to appreciate ‘him’ more. My partner has returned and rather then spending every single second of every single day together until we tire of each other’s company, we shall enjoy spending well-deserved quality time together. I shall no longer over indulge... The bottom of my handbag will be filled with loose change from now on, which I will use to treat myself on occasion... I will buy a pack of 8 muffins and they will last 8 days. I will have a donut, or a slice of cake, or some ice cream, or a chocolate bar rather then all of those things one after the other. I shall save money (over the 21 days I had a spare £150...). I imagine my skin will stay clearer, which can’t be a bad thing especially as I approach that milestone birthday that started this all off. And I shall put off getting dentures for the foreseeable future…

Right now however, i’m off to get my Victoria Sponge ;-)

Cold Turkey....

Many people have mentioned in jest, that the dramatic way in which I have deserted dessert from my diet is tantamount to going "cold turkey". Hmmmmm..... When I think about it I have had headaches, been freezing (even when inside with the heating on) and have had a cold / sore throat / bad chest / runny nose since day 4, and all the Echinacea and Berocca in the world isn't shifting it.... So I decided to look into this "cold turkey"

The wikipedia definition says "cold turkey" is an expression describing the actions of a person who gives up a habit or addiction all at once... Its supposed advantage is that by not actively using supplemental methods, the person avoids thinking about the habit and its temptation, and avoids further feeding the addiction... The supposed disadvantages are... Unbearable withdrawal symptoms from the total absence, which may cause tremendous stress on the heart and blood vessels and — in a worst case scenario — possible stroke or heart failure..."

Ok, so i'm obviously not going to have a stroke, and although very traumatic the lack of dessert style sweet foods to my body will not cause tremendous stress on my heart, or blood vessels or any other such extreme reaction. However, I did research further and among symptoms listed on various websites I found the following which are definitely attributes that I can relate to...

Headache - The first few days I had the worst headaches ever, constant, pulsating, painkiller defeating. My beau was beating me about the head for deserting 'him'.
Loss of appetite - Not loss of appetite as such, but I am decidedly lost as to what to eat at most meals as I am spending most of the time thinking about 'him' and the fabulous meals we used to share.
Insomnia, sleeping difficulty - No sleeping difficulty, but a change in sleeping pattern. I have been sleeping earlier, in order to avoid the late nights when we would frolic. Evenings were our quiet time; while I worked late to meet deadlines my sweet, sweet beau, was usually my nocturnal companion
Paleness - I did have a conversation with my mother that went something along the lines of... Her: Have you got something on your face? Me: No. Her: You look grey, maybe you should wear some makeup... I guess that could be classed as a certain kind of paleness...
A state of confusion and hallucinations (visual) - This definitely happened to me on more then one occasion in Asda when I had to walk past him on the shelves. I have also been slightly more random and off centre then usual, but this could also be put down to age…
Agitation - I am having extreme difficulty concentrating and have been quite short with people (more so than usual) as he is not here to soothe or calm me.

So I guess I’ve gone dessert "cold turkey" could I go in the Guinness book of records with the first known case??

On the plus side:
I have been eating more fruit - i'm sure i'm hitting my 5-a-day or more and will be healthier for it... Who cares!! Fruit is a lame, substandard barely even sweet replacement; it also makes me pee a lot!
I have been told my skin looks clearer - yea so what!! Clearasil is a remarkable product that I enjoy buying and Boots appreciate me buying it!
I have been going to the gym more - mainly to relieve the agitation (see cold turkey above) and constant need to look in Asda, Waitrose, M&S magazine's and trawl through website upon website drooling over desserts and restaurant menus'.
I have taken Berocca daily - sometimes twice a day in as little water as possible, because it is sweet and delicious and is a vitamin that will prevent me from getting scurvy...

But the end is nigh... The morning of Sunday 14th February 2010 will be one of the happiest mornings of my year so far. I am beside myself with the sweet, delicious anticipation. I have the most amazing day planned. And, no, it is not because it’s Valentine's Day!! I shall be spending it alone, reacquainting myself with 'him'.

It will be the morning of the end, but also the morning of a new beginning, with my bestest, most beloved friend, who I will love and appreciate so much more when he is once again by my side...

And the saga goes on...

So... The challenge continues... The past few days of the 'No Dessert' challenge have been EXCRUTIATING!!!

Let me break it down for you. I do believe I have a somewhat addictive personality and am glad that the lure of drink & drugs never really appealed to me on any great level, as I have the capacity to embrace it whole hog and be that crack head on the corner, scratching, drinking strongbow, begging for pennies at 4am on a December morning wearing nowt but shorts and a vest. Luckily or not so luckily for me my addiction manifests itself in the form of the sweet deliciousness that is dessert.


In order to demonstrate just how ludicrous it can get I will take you back to the summer of 2009 where I tirelessly searched for and failed to find a limited edition Haagen Dazs flavour, before finally posting the search to Facebook where I was told it was stocked in Blockbuster video and Sainsburys local. So that's where I went, initially with no joy but eventually finding it on a day where I visited almost every Blockbuster and Sainsburys local in South London. Determination, I hear you say, until I tell you that at every shop that didn't have the flavour I wanted I bought another flavour instead... I ended up with a freezer full of Haagen Dazs, was about £35 lighter in pocket, had to take actual food out of the freezer to make space and the flavour I had searched so tirelessly for was not all I had hoped it would be... The next few days of Haagen Dazs combination sundae's and eating it for lunch, snacks and for dessert after the Haagen Dazs based dinner will always be one of my best memories though... Point made?? I think so.


The past few days have been strange I am definitely craving a dessert fix and am not sure if I can actually hold out, it's getting harder rather then easier as the days go by... In Asda while buying "Cheerios" I somehow found myself in the bread and cake aisle. A place I don't usually venture as Mr Kipling cakes in packets don't do it for me. The Battenburg's were whispering sweet nothings, the French fancies were being amorous and the Apple Pies and Bakewell slices were positively lecherous... I think I may have been sweating, but I was definitely feeling light headed and left Asda with nothing...

While searching for a coat of arms in a photo library I find myself trawling through hundreds of dessert images. I am sidetracked for 40 minutes looking at slick, professionally taken photo's that included 'Delicious chocolate pie filled with warm fluid chocolate mouse and decorated with mint and chocolate sprinkles' it looks like something out of Master Chef but is nowhere near as delicious looking or sounding as 'A mouth watering parfait of strawberries, blueberries and raspberries all nestled in a decadently sweet cloud of chilled whipped cream and dressed with a fresh mint leaf garnish' or 'A decadent dessert of sliced banana, caramel, and cinnamon. Vanilla ice cream is sandwiched in the middle, with a crispy banana slice on top', sounds pretty pornographic I am literally salivating and have wasted 40 minutes of my day daydreaming... Pfffff....

At 10.30 on Saturday morning, while my child is running around naked, I decide I must research cupcakes for my Mum as she is thinking of selling the cakes that she makes, which she should have done years ago... So, I ignore the naked child and spend the next hour drooling over cupcake makers and suppliers dreaming about the flavours and icing combinations that I would have... More time wasted...

At my cousins house for dinner I find myself neglecting conversation in favour of cookbooks, flicking straight to the desserts and sweets section. I choose the desserts i'll make when I complete my challenge (I never cook). I think about sourcing ingredients and who i'll invite to dinner parties (once again, I never cook). I think about new desserts i'll try in order to tantalise and stimulate my tastebuds... Creme brulee begins to sound delicious, as does bread and butter pudding, things I have never previously been a fan of. I am looking at restaurant menu's and deciding which dessert(s) i'll have when i go there. I currently have a list of about 50 places to visit.


I have lost my focus. Not eating dessert has got me thinking about dessert at every possible moment. Every task somehow leads me to a place of looking at, thinking about or dreaming about it. I am permanently sidetracked in a desert of hazy sugarlessness in search of my best friend, my companion, my partner. I feel like i'm having a long distance relationship and my other half is soon to return... 8 days, 192 hours, 11520 minutes and counting...

Wrong and strong

So... I'm driving down a one-way road, when another driver approaches (obviously driving the wrong way) and we come to a stand still cos the road is narrow (hence it being a one-way) and neither of us can pass. Now don't get me wrong, i'm all for a shady little right turn at the left turn only junction, or slyly slipping through that red light and I have even been known on occasion to tiptoe (in my car) down a one-way road, in the deepest depths of night, when no-one else is around. The problem I have with this 'wrong way down the one-way' driver is that he wanted me to back up so he could pass!! The sheer cheek of him waving me back and gesturing had me dumbfounded, but I didn't give in. No way was I reversing so 'wrong way down the one-way' man could pass. Was I wrong?? Dude is doing illegal manoeuvres and expects me 'the law abiding citizen' (best film i've watched in ages, btw) to concede. Well I didn't. There's nothing worse then somebody who is wrong and strong. So we come to a stand off 'Wrong way down the one-way' man is getting agitated, possibly due to the fact that the longer he spent facing the wrong way on the one-way road, was the more likely he was to get accosted by the police, or worse still by some neighbourhood watch busy body who had nothing better to do. So I looked behind me and did the 'there's nothing I can do' shrug, after checking all my doors were locked off course, pulled out my blackberry and started to check my twitter updates, to the sound of frantic beeping. By the time the page had refreshed 'wrong way down the one-way' man had finally realised that he was fighting a losing battle, waved a white flag (he actually stuck 2 fingers up at me) and reversed into a space 4 cars back. I was triumphant and he was infuriated, even more so as I drove by at 5mph waving and smiling.

Maybe he'll think twice next time he sees a one-way sign.

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro....

Actually I didn't dream of San Pedro (unlike Madonna). I dreamt of Dessert... Delectable, Delightful, Desirable Dessert in all it's Damned Deliciousness... Cupcakes, gu puddings, banoffee pie, tiramisu, apple crumble, pecan tart thingy’s from the dessert deli down the road, eton mess, haagen dazs ice cream, fresh cream & strawberry victoria sponge, syrup sponge pudding, apricot swiss roll, caramel waffles, hot fudge sundae, krispy kreme caramel dreamcake donuts and… Me!! Eating it all.

I have never dreamt of food before, well certainly not in such a memorable way. But I guess this is because I’ve never restricted my food intake quite so significantly. Yes, i've done a couple of failed fruit and water only detoxes, and there have been failed attempts at eating 5-a-day, but never for any meaningful length of time. It has been a full week, which is 7 whole days, 168 hours and minutes I don't even want to think about since I started my 'no dessert or confectionary type foods challenge' and I am dreaming, in a full pantone spectrum of colours, about what I am missing. Regular dieters must literally wake up drooling and chewing their pillows on a regular basis.



I do find it quite poignant that chocolate did not feature at all in my dream, not even in a supporting role. Which leads me to believe that all these years of chocolate 'loving' have been sheer peer pressure and media hype. Maybe when I go back to being the almost normal version of me, who eats sweet things on a semi-regular basis, rather then as the main food group I can eliminate the 'I must have chocolate' phase altogether. Hmmmm.... Could I really do without those Lindt Lindor balls that melt so tantalisingly on the tongue?? Or that M&S Organic Rose flavoured chocolate that is the most amazing thing... Not so sure. Maybe the chocolate dream is saving itself for another night :-)